the most perfect author

   I used to have this small dream about owing a jar, and in that jar I'd drop in scraps of paper with words scribbled on them. Some dream, huh? A jar of words. Later on I realized that it would be quite a hassle to carry a jar around with me everywhere I went, so I dug out a plain black unlined notebook, and that became my jar of words.

   My friends like opening that notebook and taking a peep into my mess of a mind. They probably like seeing what kind of words I write down that inspire me, and maybe they are surprised about what they find. I know because I see their eyes widen, eyebrows raise, and the corners of their mouths lift when they read what I've written, I know because I react the same way. I love flipping through the notebook and remembering the story behind each word, each phrase, each sentence. Nothing's finished. Everything is still under construction.

   There's an empty page in the notebook that I left empty on purpose. I remember starting a poem, frowning at it, then erasing it. I regret erasing that poem because I could've just left it, came back, and made it more beautiful. I could have used it to learn and draw ideas from. Now it's an almost empty page with an almost poem that I'm almost giving up on figuring out. But I'm still trying to stitch the faint words together. I'm not entirely sure, but I think the first line goes, "the waves crashed."

   When my grandmother died, I scribbled down two ugly poems spilling with raw emotion and stuck it inside that notebook. Those poems shouldn't even be considered literature, but they belong in that notebook with the perfect poems and unfinished stories. There are parts of my life that I wish weren't a part of me, but that's all they are. Parts. And I'm an unfinished poem, an unfinished story, an unfinished song part of an unfinished notebook that's still being written in. And I'm okay with that because the one who holds the pen is the most perfect author in the universe, and He isn't finished with my story just yet.

ACET Essay: [currently untitled]

Since it's application season for fourth year high school students, I'm among the many who applied to take the ACET, or the Ateneo College Entrance Test. Along with the application form, students have to submit a personal essay on what particular event or accomplishment in their life made them the person they are today. Here's my answer.

 

photo by Miguel Luis Deluria

It could have been how beautiful the horses looked as they splashed in the waters, their chocolate brown coats glistening in the pale morning.

                  It might have been the two children whose arms and necks were browned by the sun, sitting at the base of the carabao’s neck, their dark, deep-set eyes following mine as I rode past them.

                  Or maybe it was the way the waves danced along the shore, teasing, pretending to run away, but always coming back to it with a soft, gentle kiss.

                  Maybe.

                  But really, it was everything from that little trip to the seaside that made me into the person that I am today. I had been waiting almost my whole life to fly to the island where my lola grew up. When she would tell me stories at our long wooden dining table, my feet would itch to climb the same coconut trees, run along the same dirt paths, kick the same sands, and cross the same fields. I finally got to do those things I’d dreamed of doing around three hundred and sixty five days ago in the warm month of April.

                  I took a little bit of everything from the small island of Ticao back home with me, and let those things simmer and settle in the veins of my self. From the corners and shelves of the old wooden casa I found a love and curiosity for old things. The dusty frames which held the still faces of my lola’s fathers captivated me with their mystery, interesting me in my family and Philippine history. The kissing trees and the sky with its blues made my hands flash and want to sit at the wide window, capturing their beauty on paper with pencils, pens, and watercolor markers. A love affair with the ocean and the secrets its deep waters held slowly spread throughout my body, and I gladly drank in the entirety of this vast, endless beauty. I ached to live among the island natives and toss the warm earth with them; I wanted to show them that they are worth more than they think to me and to this country.

                  I went back home quite reluctantly some days later, with only an art journal and some voice recordings as proof of my visit. I thought that I could memorize everything about Ticao if I tried, but in my heart I knew that my memory was not to be trusted. So instead, I took what I could and gave them homes in my art, my stories, my poetry, and… my self. Because of this, I can recreate that dot of an island anytime I want; I just have to bring all the pieces of memory back together.

                  I am Sofia Paderes, and I like old people and old things.

                  I am Sofia Paderes, and I hate losing books.

                  I am Sofia Paderes, and I am in love with everything about the ocean.

                  I am Sofia Paderes, and my favorite animal is the horse.

                  I am a girl who takes things apart and spreads them around in what she creates. It’s up to you to find these pieces and trace them back to where they came from. If you take what I create and look closely, you might get lucky and find a little island off the coast of Masbate.

                  Maybe.

Aguinaldo: An American-sponsored villain?

artwork by Cathy Cullis

     Emilio Aguinaldo might as well be the most hated Presidential figure in Philippine history. Well, he could be second to or even tied up with Ferdinand Marcos, but that's a matter of opinion. Emilio Aguinaldo, First President of the First Philippine Republic, leader of the Katipunan's Magdalo Council, murderer of the Bonifacio brothers, accused mastermind of General Antonio Luna's death, and also everyone's least favorite hero. These are the labels we hastily stick on to the back of the man who lead us to victory against the Spaniards, the man who fought and declared war on the United States, the man who housed our first flag and first anthem. How come we are so easily ready to forget the shortcomings of the heroes we love, but forever dwell on the shortcomings of our First President? Do we really, truly hate him as a people, or was this caused by some sort of outside influence? History shows that our dislike for Aguinaldo is highly possible to be an American influence.

      Some people wrap our history in a nutshell by saying that we lived in a convent for three hundred years, and in Hollywood for fifty. This statement is half true. We didn't live in Hollywood for fifty years because we are still living in Hollywood, sipping Coca-Cola in slim glass bottles and mindlessly drinking in everything our cable television sets scream out. Whether Filipinos want to admit it or not, American influence is heavy on us. This influence they have over our media, government, and personal desires did not start during the past ten years; it started decades before that. We've picked up some of their manners, education, entertainment, and even their language, so why wouldn't we pick up their dislike towards a certain people or in this case, person?

      Emilio Aguinaldo tried running for President for the second time in 1935 against Manuel L. Quezon and Bishop Gregorio Aglipay. Our history books tell us that Aguinaldo lost by a landslide to Manuel L. Quezon during these elections. Strangely enough, it was also during this time that Aguinaldo's skeletons in the closet resurfaced and reached the ears of every Filipino-- the murder of the Bonifacios, the murder of General Antonio Luna, and taking a bribe from Spain. How come no one complained and brought up these topics when he was elected as the First President of the Philippines?

      Manuel L. Quezon's term did have its bright sides, though. Because of him, Filipinas were allowed to vote and the National Language, Tagalog, was adopted. Philippine economy was improved as shown by the results of agricultural, industrial, and commercial growth. Aside from that, it was during Quezon's time that Filipino youths were trained in military skills under the watchful eye of General Douglas MacArthur. Here is where the questionable part lies. Why did Quezon allow MacArthur, a foreigner, train the men who were to defend him and his country? Didn't he say, “I would rather have a government run like hell by Filipinos than a government run like heaven by Americans”? The problem with leaving a foreigner in charge of the military was that he would teach the Filipinos American tactics, ones that would work on American soil, yet our terrain is different from theirs. Also, remember that it was just some six years later when the Japanese would invade the Philippines. At that time, Japan's goal was to form the Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere, a union of countries with Japan at its helm. Could it be possible that the Americans had talked Manuel L. Quezon into allowing one of their own men to train ours, as to be sure that when the time came for them to fight Japan, they would have the Filipinos on their side? After all, they were able to convince us of their so-called benevolence only a few decades before.

      Years before he was elected as President in 1935, Quezon had already had experience in the political field. He went on an Independence Mission to secure the 1934 Tydings-McDuffie Act, one that would grant the Philippines freedom after ten years; and supported the Jones Bill of 1916, also an independence agreement but did not say exactly when we could have our freedom. Funny how he supported this law with an obvious loophole such as this. It's even funnier how his political career skyrocketed during his support for this law. Perhaps the Americans smiled upon this mestizo who supported their suspicious bill and thought, “Hey, we should help him so he can help us!” From that point on, Quezon's political career took a positive turn. Interesting how years later, he would win by a landslide to the man who declared war on the United States of America.

      Though Aguinaldo did have his faults, we shouldn't remember him entirely for these shortcomings alone. Let us break the habit of dwelling on the wrong things he did and instead, look at him in the context of our history. It was he who led us to victory against the Spaniards. It was he who set up the First Republic of not just the Philippines, but of the whole of Asia. It was he who continued to struggle against America's grip on our throats even when they had already won.

      So, was Aguinaldo an American-sponsored villain? Maybe, but it's up to you to decide whether you really dislike Emilio Aguinaldo, or if you have just inherited our foreign invaders' hate for him that was so easily passed down to us like secondhand clothes.

Nothing Else

          Blaring radio advertisements, women in skimpy clothes posing beside shiny new cars, billboards that block out half the sky, TV commercials cramming their empty words down your throat… It wasn’t always like this. There was a time when everything in the world was good, but that was before the fallout of man. Now we live in a world that screams, I WANT, I NEED, I, MYSELF, ME, ME, ME. The ads that we see everywhere we go all promote one thing: the self. They tell you that what you have is never good enough, and that to be happy you need the latest, the nicest, the most. This is what happens when you combine man and money, because we are all selfish creatures inside. Don’t you for one second deny it; you know it’s the truth. It says in Jeremiah 6:13, “From the least to the greatest, all are greedy for gain; prophets and priests alike, all practice deceit.” All are greedy for gain. All practice deceit. Why? Because we are sinners who live in a sinners’ world.

            If I knew about the lies and influence of the media earlier on in my life, I would have taken the truth harder and felt guiltier, because I used to be that kind of person. I used to confuse my wants with my needs and sigh about not having enough allowance or a new phone. I would have said that my wants and needs were almost the same; if not, the same. That was I before I fully put my security in Him and said, “You know what, Jesus? This time, I am really giving You my all, and I am going to throw myself into seeking You.” It was then I discovered the secret that Paul mentioned in Philippians 4:12. My contentment comes from my hope being anchored in Him and Him being in me. My wants and needs? Jesus. He is all I want and He is all I need.

            We can see people’s thoughts, their values, and morals in the decisions they make, and we see those decisions and their effects in economics. Consumerism is a big part of economics, because that is where all the decision making lies. Do I buy this or not? Do I buy the whole pack, or just one piece? Do I buy this brand or that brand? It reveals what we truly value in this life, and therefore shows what kind of lives we lead: either one that is contented or one that is always hungering for more and is never satisfied. I have learned that I want to lead the contented life. I am still being refined and have got a long way to go before I reach the finish line, but the cry of my heart will remain the same:  that the things of this world will never sway me, and that my eyes will always be fixed on Jesus. And nothing else.

10 things you probably didn't know about Philippine History

Today is a special day for me not just because it's been a hundred and fifteen years since Aguinaldo proclaimed our independence from Spain in 1898, but also because this is the first Independence Day of my life that I commemorate it in awareness of the hidden truths in our painful past. For those of you who are history lovers such as myself, you already know these things. If not, be prepared by these shocking facts that have been kept in the dark for far too long.


1. Jose Rizal DID NOT write the poem, "Sa Aking Kabata" from which the famous line "Ang hindi marunong magmahal sa sariling wika, masahol pa sa hayop at malansang isda" is from. Proof? Well, number one, Rizal couldn't even write a novel in Tagalog when he was an adult, so it is impossible for him to have written a five stanza poem in Tagalog at eight years old; and number two, the word 'kalayaan' which is found in the poem's second stanza was a word Rizal learned when he was 21 years old.

2. Juan Luna and Felix Resurreccion Hidalgo DID NOT win first and second place in the 1884 Exposition in Madrid. It is true that they won a gold and silver medal respectively, but Luna won one gold out of THREE one is supposed to receive, and Hidalgo won one silver out of FIFTEEN.

3. Before the American occupation officially started, some government officials couldn't even locate the Philippines on the map, and one even asked if we were the Philippians from the Bible.

4. During the time the Treaty of Paris was signed on December 10, 1898, there were around 10 million Filipinos in the Philippines. The Americans bought us for $20M, so they basically bought every Filipino for $2 each with our land as a bonus.

5. Magellan WAS NOT killed by Lapu-Lapu. He was wounded by one of Lapu-Lapu's men with a poisoned arrow and a bamboo spear in his face, then finished off with a blow from the native sword, kampilan.

6. The first shot that signalled the start of the Philippine-American War DID NOT happen on the San Juan bridge. It was fired on Sociego Street in Santa Mesa, Manila.

7. Governor-General Ramon Blanco refused to sign the paper that held Rizal's death sentence.

8. Andres Bonifacio fought in around 28 battles and lost them all.

9. In the late 1950's, Emilio Aguinaldo admitted in an interview that he had never read Rizal's novels.

10. During the Battle of Manila in 1945, the Americans were more destructive than the Japanese, killing 100, 000 Filipino civilians and 16, 000 + Japanese soldiers.


Independence Day is a day to remember our history, not a day to forget and wave flags without knowing the pains it took for our heroes to get that flag up in the air. I hope that every year, we try to free ourselves from the mindsets that still keep Filipinos today captive.


Viva la Independencia Filipina!



Sources:

http://philippineamericanwar.webs.com
Rizal Without The Overcoat by Ambeth Ocampo
101 Stories on the Philippine Revolution by Ambeth Ocampo
The Philippines: A Unique Nation by Sonia M. Zaide
Under the Stacks by Saul Hofileña Jr.
Magellan and Lapu-Lapu (essay) by Carmen Guerrero Nakpil

Holding Onto Hope

HISTORY 10

PADERES, SOFIA

PERFORMANCE TASK

METACOGNITIVE ESSAY: Holding Onto Hope

            Nothing could have prepared me for what I learned in history class this year, nor did I ever expect to listen to lectures like them. These lessons changed my perspective on the Philippines and Filipinos, and made me really understand why things are as they are, resulting in an even deeper love for country. They helped me grow up a little more, showing me how ignorant, selfish, and foolish my way of thinking had been before. I was able to locate the negative thoughts I'd been harboring about my country and replace them with thoughts of hope and how I can help. Two important insights that helped me grow as a person are the following: Before you judge, take a look at the history behind your subject of scorn. Also, everything happens for a reason. God has a purpose and plan for our country, and for that, there is hope.

            I learned and relearned so many things, but what stuck to me the most were the lessons on the Spanish and American occupations, democracy, and human rights.  They all taught me just how fallen this world really is and how blessed I am to have come to know His amazing grace at such a young age. I learned about the true meaning of freedom, what the love of money does to people, and how much injustice there really is in this nation. I especially learned that the Americans aren’t the perfect, golden-haired, innocents I thought they were and that our heroes and people have so much more to them than I thought. My “Why?” questions were answered, my eyes were opened, and my sleeping heart was stirred.

            I used to laugh when I'd hear Filipinos replace their 'v's with 'b's and their 'f's with 'p's. I would grumble at the “corruption of the government” and think that the fair skinned were more beautiful. I got used to the sight of MMDA officers, street sweepers, and firemen without stopping and thinking about them. All of that changed after this year, when I realized that I have no right to think that these people are insignificant. They are not just people; they are my people, part of my country.  My view towards these people changed especially when I learned how they came to be and how they are still being oppressed and treated more unfairly than I thought. Considering everything I learned about them and our history, I think that the end result of a history class should be a student with a changed perspective and a heart of hope and willingness to do something about what he or she had just learned.

            If you ask a young student about what they learn in history, they will most probably answer you with a bored and indifferent tone that they learn about dead people and Presidents. A likely follow up comment would be, “I don't understand why we need to know this. They're dead and have nothing to do with me.” Clearly, remembering and honoring these people that they study about do not even occur to them. I thought about this, and came to the conclusion that their indifference is because of colonial mentality and ignorance.

            Colonial mentality, which is the result of hundreds of years of physical, verbal, and economical oppression, is abundant in the minds of young students in the Philippines. Since their view of their country is already a view of contempt, criticism, and that Filipinos are losers, learning about the people who have fought and led the nation does not matter to them because they have a poor impression of their country and its people already. In their minds, it's useless to learn about people who fought and lost anyway.

            Ignorance, as some people say, is bliss, but it is also a prison. The students, ignorant of the relevance history to the present, don't know the reason for the way things work or why and either can't do anything about it or simply don't care.

            We have to wake these students up, because they are the future of this nation. Honestly, if I want to encourage them to have genuine hope and respect for this nation and to unlearn all the contempt and apathy in them, I am going to have to sit down with them and give them a long lecture on Philippine history. This topic isn't something that you can explain in a few sentences, but if there's one thing I'd like to tell them, it would be to never stop learning. When you learn things, you don’t just store up that bit of knowledge and keep it to yourself. You do something with the knowledge that you have, and that’s what I hope will happen when the youth learn and learn. I want them to learn so that their eyes will be opened and they will feel the warm, glowing pride and love of country.

           

            God's Word is spirit and it is life, like fire and a hammer that can break rocks into pieces. It never returns empty, piercing bone, marrow, and flesh. The very breath of God has been breathed upon it, it brings hope, gives life, and changes lives. I will end with a passage entitled God Forgives The Repentant, found in Isaiah 57:14-19 (NLT).

God says, ‘Rebuild the road!

 Clear away the rocks and stones
    

so my people can return from captivity.’

The high and lofty one who lives in eternity,
    

the Holy One, says this:


‘I live in the high and holy place
    

with those whose spirits are contrite and humble.


I restore the crushed spirit of the humble
    

and revive the courage of those with repentant hearts. 

For I will not fight against you forever;
    

I will not always be angry.


If I were, all people would pass away—
   

 all the souls I have made.

I was angry,    

so I punished these greedy people.
I withdrew from them,
    

but they kept going on their own stubborn way.

I have seen what they do,
    

but I will heal them anyway!
    

I will lead them.
I will comfort those who mourn,

bringing words of praise to their lips.


May they have abundant peace, both near and far,’

says the Lord, who heals them.”

           

            I cling on and claim to that promise of revival for the Philippines. Words cannot describe how much pain I feel when I hear about the injustice and evil that has happened and continues to happen in my country, and I know that I know not even half of what actually goes on everyday. These verses speak so much to me because they give me hope and a promise I know will be fulfilled, if we turn back to God and repent. He promises to heal us from our wounds and restore our crushed spirits despite all the sins we’ve committed. All we have to do is humble ourselves before Him and ask Him to forgive us. I pray that the future generation of Filipinos will realize this and declare Him the Lord of this nation. I pray for repentant hearts, healing, peace, and true freedom for this nation. I am praying as I wait for my turn to make a change or even the smallest impact on this nation. I wait with a hope bursting in my veins and an aching in my heart. I wait. I wait and wait.